If You Only Had Time
by nekokenna
Summary: "And when my time is up, have I done enough? Will they tell your story?" This is a letter to Alexander from Eliza after he died.


_If You Only Had Time…_

**A letter to Alexander from Eliza after he died. Enjoy!**

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_And when my time is up, have I done enough? Will they tell your story? _

"Dear Alexander,

When I first saw your face, you had captured my heart. You swore to me you would be true.

Then you went to war. I knew you had to. I knew you wanted to fight. I told you to stay alive. When Washington sent you back, I was overjoyed. You would get to see your son!

But then you were called back. You were promised troops of your own. You couldn't resist, could you? And all that time, I wondered, if I wished for you to stay home, would you have? I would like to think so. But I didn't know. I let you go.

And you won the war. You came back alive, and you met Philip. I thought it was over, then. I thought, 'Won't you be satisfied now?'

But you never were. Angelica knew. She was never satisfied, and it seems you weren't either. You challenged an entire political party. You wrote your own system of government. You gave up so much time for your essays.

And what about me? You always wrote like you were running out of time. Why? Why was this so important to you? Was it more important to you than I was? There were many nights you skipped supper. You told me to save your plate, and I always did. 'I just have to write something down,' you would say. I'd let you.

I urged you to take a break. As did Angelica. But you never listened. Sometimes I think back to it and wonder if I should have pushed harder.

I look at our country now; the country you strove to defend. Was it worth it? All those nights I spent with Philip or Angelica when you should have been there too?

And the Reynolds Pamphlet. What were you thinking? You had time for her, but not me? Was she more important than the Congress? Was she more important than me?

And our dear son Philip. He stood up for you. Was it worth it? He died for you, Alex! You let him die!

No.

_No. _

After we moved uptown, you changed. You took the children to church. When I looked in your office, you were more often praying than writing. You followed me around. You asked for my forgiveness. Did you know what you were asking for? I wanted to put everything behind us. All those sleepless nights you stayed up writing, all the nights you spent with Maria, all those nights I cried myself to sleep because of Philip. I wanted to leave them behind.

The words you said to me. They were caring, they were soft.

They were assuring.

You assured me of your love for me. Were you satisfied? No. But maybe you knew then that it was time. Time to step back.

_It's quiet uptown. _

I was satisfied. I always had been. I thought of all you'd done, of all the times you neglected me, of everything you hadn't done for me, and I told myself that it was time.

Time to forgive.

After the election of 1800, you left me. You wrote me a letter before you left. I shall cherish it forever. It reads:

"_My very dear Eliza, this letter will not be delivered to you unless I shall first have terminated my earthly career to begin a happy immortality. I'd need not tell you of the pangs I feel from the idea of quitting you and exposing you to the anguish which I know you would feel. Nor could I dwell on the topic lest it should unman me. Fly to the bosom of your God and be comforted. With my last idea; I shall cherish the sweet hope of meeting you in a better world. Adieu best of wives and best of women. Ever yours, Alexander."_

I knew then that you hadn't wanted to leave. You would've stayed. If not for Aaron Burr…

I do not hate the man. He was protecting his daughter, like you would've. But I cannot forgive him. I know I should. When you raised your gun to the sky, what was the thought running through your mind? Was I in the last thought you had? Alexander…

I want to make a testament for you. For all you've done. If your name is tarnished through history, I will never forgive myself.

You changed America. _The world will never be the same. _

You changed my life. _Helpless…_

You made mistakes. '_Help me say no to this.'_

You changed your story. '_I wrote my own deliverance!'_

I will tell your story.

I will do everything that is in my power to keep your name known.

_You would've done so much more if you only had time. _

_And when my time is up, have I done enough? Will they tell your story? _

I shall never forget you. My dearest Alexander…"

**.**

**Hope you enjoyed it. Review if you did! **

**-Neko-chan **


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